Just Wondering...

Do you ever have a cat sitting on your lap, totally in the way (on purpose), while you are trying to work on the computer? Demanding attention, but angry with you at the same time? Perhaps trying to bite your wrists as you type? Or maybe biting you in retaliation for giving her said attention? And then looking even angrier and confused when she gets smacked upside the head for biting her mother?

I'm sure you'll understand the brevity of today's post...

Today's post brought to you by a day in the life of a cat owner.

Blah

Hmmm... haven't written anything in a month, I've wanted to, but I've been terribly lazy. Currently, I'm avoiding doing some much needed (and very close to the deadline) homework. Oh yeah, and the Microbiology test I have tomorrow, I'm also not studying for that...

Do you see a pattern? This is kind of how I've been feeling the last month or so. I started off the new year very motivated. I was ready to make great changes, devote myself and throw all of my (non-existant) energy into them.

My house has not been cleaned in months, literally, months. There is clutter EVERYWHERE. The furniture has not been rearranged back to how it should be, even though the Christmas stuff has been gone for over a month. I'm lucky to pick clean clothes out of the laundry basket, and only wash when I'm out of clean underwear or socks, whichever comes first. This blah feeling has carried over into pretty much every area of my life lately, and I'm a little tired of it. Yes I'm tired of being tired and unmotivated and feeling lazy, but I don't have the energy to climb out of this rut.

Items of note:

I am thrilled about the events that took place January 20th. I am so proud that our new President has truly hit the ground running and is getting right to work, despite the pig-headed, childish opposition that he has met. I know that the same cannot be said about the last leader of our nation. I love the patriotism and attitude of change that this new leader has generated. The turn out at the inaguration was amazing, and even more amazing was the reports of good behavior and decreased arrests amid the hugely crowded environment in our nation's capital.

Work has been both better and worse, hopefully things will continue to improve, though I'm not sure which path would be considered improvement.

Dieting has been awful, I'm doing a terrible job. Exercise too, I really need to get things together, my health depends on it (probably my energy level too).

I had a very nice, but low-key Valentine's Day. Daniel and I went out to lunch and exchanged gifts early in the day, since he had to work that night. I got several cool DVD's, a cd, and this:



The cutest purse pen.


I know it sounds superficial, but it is so exciting to open one of these little blue boxes, thrilling even. It is the 4th time I have had the opportunity to open one of these boxes. Isn't he a keeper? Also cute, he got me two cards, because he found two he really liked and just wanted to give me both. I gave him Guitar Hero Worldtour for Wii (I'm a keeper too).

I hope I have more good news to report next time. Now I'll have to really get to work, that homework won't do itself.

Getting Ready

My New Year really started with a bang. I was in bed by 10:30, which is hilarious, considering what a night owl I am. I'm never in bed that early, but New Year's Eve of all nights? In all fairness, I didn't feel well. I had some medical stuff done earlier that day, so I took some pain medication and slept well. I have felt rotten since. I have had the mother of all colds that just seems to keep morphing into new symptoms with a low-grade fever that I just can't shake.

On the plus side, I got a Wii Fit for an anniversary gift from my boyfriend, which has been alot of fun! Though I haven't used it as much as I would like to since I've been sick. Also good, I re-started Weight Watchers for the New Year. I've lost 3 lbs so far between my 1st and 2nd weigh-ins! It's small progress, but I'll take it! I would really like to work myself up to doing Wii Fit every day at home and going to the gym 4-5 days a week, but I'll have to see how my semester shapes up. I've also stopped eating out lunches at work, this has been helpful financially and for my diet.

I'm getting ready for my last school semester to start in five days, and still tinkering with my class schedule of course. I feel overwhelmed with all of the things I would like to get done around the house before that happens, but since I have one day off between now and then, we'll see how that goes. Things like starting the school semester off with a clean house, or even just little things like moving the Christmas stuff back into storage. I'm really excited about this being my last semester, but I'm also really stressed out about it and, as always, my financial aid not coming through yet. Every semester, it seems to not come until it's a few days too late when I'm having a heart attack about how I'm going to buy my books, this semester is unfortunately not any different. I'm very worried that Microbiology may kill me and prevent me from getting into nursing school, but I don't think the rest of my classes will be too terrible- hopefully they all won't require research papers.

I think I have finally averted this work crisis. I was made a pretty terrible job offer, one that included no benefits and 1 to 1 1/2 days per week of work. As nice as that sounds for my social calendar, it is simply not enough for me to pay my bills with. I'll be working the equivalent of 2 days per week and getting some benefits, with more hours available if the office is busy enough, so I think this is just the best I can do for now. Unfortunately, the situation is just not the greatest one to work with, but I don't think that my last semester of school is the ideal time to job hunt if I can help it.

I've been thinking alot about my resolutions, I posted most of them here. I'm starting slowly, but I hope I will gain momentum and hit them all. I would really just like this year to be one where I put alot of aspects of my life into place, I feel fairly out of balance right now. I think graduation will be a big step in the right direction for this, one that will hopefully help some of my other resolutions to snowball and become easier and faster to accomplish.

Time for a Fresh Start

Well, Christmas is over now, and so I'm turning my thoughts to 2009. Of course, that means New Years Resolutions. I usually try to make a few resolutions, and usually start out well and then, after a few weeks, lose my motivation. I know that this is the typical pattern for most people to follow, but I would really like to break that pattern this year. I do have a few things that I've been thinking of that I definitely want to accomplish in 2009.

First, I'd like to graduate from college, but, if you've been reading along, that should happen as long as I pass my last four classes! Next on my priority list is to lose some significant weight and get myself into better physical shape. I need to do this for my physical health, to ward off any pre-diabetes stuff. But, of course, I'm not really comfortable with the weight I'm currently at psychologically, I've become very self-conscious and self critical, and I'd really like to be happy with my physical appearance. I would really like to be back into the double digit weight range, but I'd happily settle for the low triple digits, hopefully somewhere between 100-115 lbs. So, major diet and exercise plans are underway and need to be launched soon.

I would also really like to simplify my life this year. For me, that means I need to get rid of a ton of crap that I don't use that is taking up the limited space in my small home! I really need to learn to let go of "stuff" and I need to better organize the remaining "stuff." So, part of that is organizing mountains and mountains of generations of family photos (which I inherited from my mother), and making permanent digital records of them, so that my brothers and Dad can also have copies. I need to clear out all of the useless paper that consumes me too. Hopefully I can sell a lot of this extra junk and make some money as well.

Perhaps the most important of my goals this year (aside from losing weight for my physical health and mental well-being) are my financial goals. I just finished reading Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover, on the recommendation of a friend, and am really excited and fired up to follow this plan to get out of debt and build wealth. I totally and absolutely recommend this book and plan to everyone! I hope that I can pay off my debt and build an emergency savings fund as quickly as possible, so that I can actually use my hard-earned money, instead of sending it away every month. I also would really like to have as little debt as possible before I start nursing school, since I won't be able to work during that year. This includes paying off my car and all of my credit cards. I'll move on to the student loans and mortgage after that. I'm really hopeful about the life changes that this will bring about, though I am worried about creating and learning to stick to a budget. Sadly, I'm a little impulsive sometimes when it comes to money, I have decided that this will change.

I also hope that 2009 will afford me the opportunity to travel a bit to celebrate my graduation from college, and catch up with some family and friends that I haven't been able to visit for a long time. I'm planning a cruise for a graduation celebration. I would also like to do a long weekend in Las Vegas with some friends from out of state. Most importantly though, I really want to make the time to see my Dad, who I haven't seen in at least 7 years, so a trip to Oregon is in order.

So, I think this is a lot to accomplish in one year, five big goals, and of course numerous smaller ones. I hope that I'm able to really focus my energies and get these things rolling. I hope everyone, myself included, has a happy and productive New Year!

I LOVE Christmas Music!!

I'm that person who doesn't mind listening to Christmas music for months straight, well actually, I don't just not mind it, I love it! (Yeah, I know, I'm that person everyone else hates) I was the girl in choir who wasn't even remotely bothered that we were singing Christmas music from October until January. I just never get tired of it, I could probably listen to it all year. I might even love Christmas music more than everything else about this season. I, of course, love the reasons why we celebrate this time of year, why we are kinder to others and focus on the true spirit behind the season, but for me, Christmas music embodies all of those wonderful things. I love the familiarity of the traditional old Christmas carols. It makes me feel like a child again, when all of the thoughts about Christmas and Santa Claus truly were magical and so exciting! My boyfriend finds this endearing about me (or so he says), and that more people should feel the way I do. I think he's just being nice...

I truly love the Christmas season though. If it weren't so cold outside, it might be my favorite time of year. I really enjoy buying gifts for my loved ones and trying to surprise them and make them happy. I love all of the cooking and baking that goes on. I always hope for a white Christmas, even though I am usually disappointed. I love to see everyone wearing their sweaters and scarfs and hats. I love putting up the tree, and those peaceful moments when you can just sit in front of the twinkling lights and relax. (I don't like taking the tree down, but then, that's after Christmas) I love that my favorite animal is a big feature of this time of year: penguins! I find it hysterical to see my cat under the tree, trying to play with her gifts through their packaging, or peeking out from a very sneaky hiding place. And I love that it means that a new year and a fresh start are coming.

So, call me crazy, but I love Christmas-time! And this time of year would mean so much less to me without the soundtrack of the season.

Here's a picture of my very own tree, my first tree, covered in penguin ornaments!

Sheba

I just finished reading Marley and Me, crying my eyes out like a big baby. It's a good read, it had me frequently and uncontrollably laughing out loud, until the end. While I probably would have cried reading this no matter what, it reminded me painfully of Sheba, who died six months ago.
I've been wanting to write about Sheba for several months now, but I never really want to drudge up the painful memories of her death. It was the last thing that I was able to write in my journal, and I stopped halfway through, in tears, and haven't resumed the writing since. So, I feel prompted to give her a little tribute, though unlike Marley, Sheba was never really a bad dog, in fact she was generally excellently behaved, although she had her quirks.

Sheba was a black miniature poodle, and I brought her home on April Fool's Day 1992, I was ten. I had picked her out of her litter of three puppies (after begging my Mom for months for a puppy) because the breeders said, "If you want a cuddler and one that will let you hold her and baby her, she's the one." They couldn't have been more right about that. Sheba always needed and wanted constant physical affection or just connection-she nearly always had to be touching a person at all times (until old age), which was at times wonderful and endearing and at other times, enough to drive anyone crazy. But she was perfect for a ten year old girl: I dressed her up, painted her nails, wrapped her in blankets, made her lay in a baby cradle for hours on end, and even had her drinking water from a baby bottle.

She was unbelievably smart, even for a poodle. She was housebroken quickly and never destroyed anything. She easily learned commands and tricks and had a wide vocabulary of human words that she knew and understood. She was fast, like lightening as a puppy- and would dash off at the slightest opportunity. From day one at home (her first bite of table food was a single pinto bean) she generally refused to eat dog food for meals, she reserved her always available dog food for an after dinner chaser, like after dinner mints, when she had given up hope of receiving anymore people food. This eventually progressed to her being served her own plate of whatever was for dinner that night, and her begging and stalking of the kitchen whenever she determined that it was dinner time grew worse throughout her life.

She would dramatically snatch up whatever you told her you, or worse, the cat, "were gonna get" and refuse to relinquish the items, regardless of what they were. One time this included a fully wrapped ice cream sandwich that my Mom was teasing her with, and another time a full roll of quarters. Sheba loved stuffed animals, the smaller ones for "babies" and the larger ones for illicit activities, if they were white, she was in 7th heaven. She truly loved her "babies" too, and would lick them and play with them for hours. She had a hideous and huge stuffed turkey (picture Gobbles from South Park) that was larger than she was that she would drag around by it's scraggly neck, it was carefully confiscated and disposed of, but she missed that turkey for a long time after it was gone. My stuffed, huge, white Klondike and Snow bears were a favorite target for her to steal off of my bed, any chance she got. One in particular- a little neon dinosaur- was receiving an exuberant shaking while she was playing with it, until it's leg was ripped off. Sheba was horrified by what she had done to "Dino," and from that time on she refused to ever look at him again, even after I sewed his leg back on. She always came to greet you, frantically searching for the nearest "baby" or random toy to show you (not give you), frequently peeing with excitement. She would grin too, pulling back her lips to show all of her teeth when she was happy or excited- or forced to eat a dropped salt and vinegar potato chip that had to be eaten, since the cat might be interested in it.

The word "biscuit" could not be uttered in her presence, unless you intended to deliver on that statement. Her favorite "biscuits" were, naturally, the most expensive dog jerky treat at the store and were not negotiable. She never went outside, to go potty or go bye-bye or just wander around, without receiving one upon returning home.

Even though I don't think I was ever truly her favorite family member, though she loved all of us, she preferred my Mom or Aunt, she knew that she was mine, and would never disobey a command that I issued- even when released from it from someone else, until I gave the okay. This included sitting the corner, nose to the wall, in time out- for inordinately long periods of time (horrible, I know, but I was ten and clearly teaching my dog a lesson). Despite being fairly well disciplined, Sheba was horribly spoiled by all of the family. She slept in bed, under the covers, with her head on a pillow, with whomever she wanted every night. She begged and received food-including desserts- from everyone. And would insist on extended belly rubs whenever given the opportunity, scratching and pulling your hand back to do it's job if you tried to quit too soon. This behavior, of flopping over onto her back, legs splayed, scratching at arms and hands, refusing to move like a lead weight, was confusing to some outside of the family. It prompted one dog groomer to tell us that something was wrong with her, "she just kept falling over and laying on her back." This woman was clearly not a dog owner, any idiot should have known the code for "rub my belly." She baffled outsiders with some of her behaviors though, not just the groomer. When she was at the vet hospital after having emergency surgery to remove her infected uterus, she refused to eat, and they refused to let her come home until she did so. The office called and spoke to my Mom, clearly worried about her refusal to eat. They had tried everything, dry food, wet food, even trying to force it into her little mouth- she came home with food smeared all over her little face from their attempts. My Mom laughed at this and asked what they were trying to feed her? They of course responded with "dog food," to which my Mom replied, "Well did anyone offer her a sandwich?," this was of course common sense to us. Problem solved. They called back and reported that she could come home now, she had successfully eaten a sandwich.

Sheba also knew how to hold a grudge. Once, when running down the stairs, she tripped and tumbled down the last few steps. My Mom and Aunt saw this, and laughed. Sheba was embarrassed and never forgot that they had laughed at her. From that day on, whenever she got mad at my Aunt (or was left alone for too long) her choice spot to poop was in that Aunt's bedroom. Her intense stares could also guilt this same Aunt into getting off of the couch to get her people food outside of mealtimes, just to make the staring stop. Always human-like, Sheba was also no stranger to jealously. Mainly this was targeted at the cat, but also at anyone animal or human, who might take any of her attention. One Christmas both she and the cat got new beds. Regardless of the fact that she had just gotten a new bed, Sheba was jealous that the cat had gotten one. In retaliation for this, she crammed herself into the too-tiny cat bed (clearly uncomfortable) and refused to get out of it, simply so that the cat couldn't lay in it.

This is Sheba, on her own new Christmas bed, at her last Christmas.


It was very hard to see Sheba age. By the time she died she was mostly, if not completely deaf. Her eyes were clouded with cataracts and most of her teeth were gone. She was chubby, grayed, and moved stiffly after lying down for long periods of time. But, even though she clearly showed her age, she still had bursts of energy when she wanted to play and she was always up for receiving constant affection. I know that every dog owner feels that their pet is unique, but I don't think there has ever been another dog like Sheba. She was truly a family member to us, and it's still difficult for us to not talk to her like she's sitting beside us.

A few days before her death Sheba became increasingly sick, quickly. She was having difficulty breathing, and maintained an odd, strange posture with her neck extended to help her breathe- or gasp, really. She refused to eat or drink- even people food, including ice cream- and couldn't lie down because it made breathing more difficult. My Aunts and I took her to the vet, and though we were expecting bad news, we were crushed to hear that she was in heart failure. I couldn't bear to make the decision to put her to sleep then, I couldn't help but feel that I would be murdering her. I decided, as a last ditch effort, to try antibiotics, steroids and a diuretic, to be sure that it wasn't a lung infection, as there was fluid on her lungs- a side effect of the heart failure, and the cause of her breathing difficulties. This also bought some time for us. Initially, Sheba rallied with the steroids and diuretic, with the fluid off of her lungs she was able to breathe easily and seemed like her old self. However, one or two days later, her condition was the same, if not worse. It was definitely not an infection, and now I was faced with making the hard decision. I simply couldn't let her suffer and felt cruel for trying to keep her here, after over 16 years, I had to have her put to sleep.

I had dreaded this moment for years, always hoping that she would die peacefully in her sleep of old age, even crying at the thought of this day. My Aunts and my boyfriend and I said our goodbyes and took some final pictures of her at home, and then we all accompanied her to the vet. We were all with her, crying and petting her, as she went to sleep.

As strange as it sounds, in many ways, Sheba's death was more difficult for me than my Mother's. Not that it was any less painful, but I think it's because I did not make the decision to end my Mother's life. Even driving to the vet for the last time I was still having second thoughts, when her breathing seemed to ease as I was holding her in my lap, sobbing. I could never give up the feeling that I was making the wrong choice, or the hope that maybe, somehow she would get better.

This is the day before Sheba died, while she was rallying from the medications, I wanted a last picture of us smiling together, even if it wasn't real.


Sheba was an amazing little spirit, and I don't think I will ever stop missing her. Just the thought of having to go through a similar experience ever again makes me balk at the idea of having another dog. I could go on forever, recounting stories about her, but they're probably only funny and worth hearing time and again to my family and myself. Regardless, Sheba's 16+ years of love, entertainment, and annoyances deserve to be remembered. She was there with me from elementary school through college, and through many life changes, including the loss of my Mom. I think she left a lasting impression on everyone who really knew her, including my much loved cat, who loved to beat up on and chase and be chased by her dog, and came running at the sound of Sheba's collar tags tinkling on a video recording of her that we were watching after Sheba was gone, still looking for her sister. As painful as the loss is, I hope that everyone will, at some point in their life, have the opportunity to love and be loved by a four-legged person like Sheba, one that truly becomes a member of the family and leaves a permanent hole when they leave us because of the ways that they permeate your entire heart and life.

A family picture. My Aunts and I, with Sheba, before taking her to the vet on her last day with us.

Worried

I may have to leave a job I like very much, because of school. I'm freaking out about this at the moment. I typically work Tuesdays and Thursdays (and other days as needed) at the doctors' office, which is my main source of income. These days are our "busy" days, and we see probably 60-75% of our patient load on those days. The unfortunate part is that my last semester of college is quickly approaching, and I've been putting off these last classes until the very last second (obviously), but now ALL of the remaining classes that I need to take to graduate are on Tuesdays and Thursdays. So there it is. I can't and shouldn't put off graduating to keep a job, I know this. Even a job where I love my co-workers so much! The reality that this would probably mean the loss of this job caused me so much stress that I was just about ready to throw up all day just thinking about telling my manager (who is also a good friend).

I'm hoping against hope that this will work out somehow. That I can change my schedule for just the 4 short months of this last semester (16 weeks, actually), and that I can work full-time once I graduate until I start nursing school. I don't have a good feeling about this, which is why I'm so worried. I hope that I don't have to find another job. Not that this job is perfect, nothing really is of course. But I really do love the people I work with, and we have some of the most fantastic patients, that I would really miss too. Of course, in my mind, I'm already trying to think of trying to find other work and what I will do, just in case. I've even offered to come in on our busy mornings until I have to leave for classes, mid-morning, but I'm not sure if this idea went over very well either...

Any ideas?