And some things never change

My last post was all about change! My whole life is changing! And yet, sometimes, some things also never change.

Like my terrible sleeping habits.

Despite all of the good things about my new profession, it has been decidedly terrible for my already less-than-normal sleep schedule.

Take last night for example. I was awake until roughly 6:30 am. Now, to be fair, I had slept in until about 11 am the previous morning- but that is not unusual for me, it's even a bit on the early side for me to be "awake" on a day off.

I'm sure I've said it before, but I would really LOVE to be a morning person. I would. Get up early, full of energy, tackle the day, GET THINGS DONE! The world seems to operate on a schedule catered to morning people. This does not seem to be in my genetic make-up, sadly. I love late nights, and to a certain degree, I love sleeping in late. I love sleeping in general and napping I have a special love for. It always feels so luxurious to sleep (but especially to nap), like a guilty pleasure. And yet, when I sleep in I always feel like a good part of my day is wasted- poof! Gone! (I know, it is gone.) So I wake up already with a mild sense of self-loathing and tend to accomplish very little when I don't have to be anywhere at a specific time.

I want to change this, really I do. I have no idea how to realistically do so with my current crazy schedule.

I know all about sleep hygiene. It's completely useless in my situation. There are days when I've got to be up before 4am for work (earlier, sometimes, when taking various time zones into consideration), other days I might not start my work day until late in the evening. There is no basis for creating consistency for when to go to bed or wake up. So, I don't. Some days I'm well rested and feel ready to conquer the world (about 10 days per year). Most days I'm a miserable tired mess, just muddling through, barely surviving.

Sadly, in the last year or so, I have actually noticed that napping is starting to interfere with my night-time sleep. It previously didn't seem to. This is both sad, and maybe a step forward. I TRY not to nap any longer, but there are days when I simply can't function without one. I'm trying to push myself through my tiredness more days than not now and refuse the urge to nap, hoping I'll go to bed at a reasonable hour. Sometimes it works; other times, 10pm, 11pm, 1am roll by and I'm still awake, despite the denial of a nap earlier.

Why can't I sleep? I really don't know. Sometimes it's stress, my mind ruminating, refusing to shut down, ignoring my rational pleas for sleep. Last night it was wedding stuff. After 3 hours of TRYING to sleep, I gave up and tried to start making lists of the things I need to remember to do with regard to the wedding. This culminated in a list with over 45 items "to-do" that had been previously bouncing around my head. Whew! That's done. Guess what? I still didn't feel drowsy. So I cleaned out my email... then, feeling ridiculous for still being awake, I tried to go to sleep again. It worked, after waiting roughly another 90 minutes for sleep.

My terrible sleep habits and routine late risings make me feel like I'm a terrible pet parent too. I worry that it might be the cause of Teddie's eating difficulty or sometimes resistance to eat her breakfast, because she lacks a normal feeding schedule. It makes me terrified of having children...

So, that's me today. Tired, frustrated, and disappointed that even though I slept until nearly noon that I got less than 6 hours of sleep.